Dodgy title I know, but in all honesty I couldn’t think of a better one.
I speak to several of my followers on here, but mainly those through facebook and twitter who get in touch or DM me. This one guy who doesn’t want to be named (not that you’d probably know him anyway…) well let’s call him “Jon”. Jon got in touch as he’s had a mare, he’s been split up with the mother of his child for a long while several years in fact, though he has remained faithful to her. Circumstances were not great with them, monetry worries and the like put a lot of stress and strain on the relationship and so it simply meant they could not work together (much like my own story, and maybe why it was easy to talk to him). Either way he has had several people make passes and given up several oppurtunities with other women, on the assumption that she was faithful to him too.
Though they were both separated, not living together and both friends, (good friends…..with the occasional mishap in the bedroom) if you like. He assumed that they would eventually get back together when circumstances were better, and they were both in a better place. The girl he was with, is essentially the only love Jon has known and he really wasn’t interested in anyone else.
Now Jon has had his suspicions, and whether it be due to self persuasion or possibly naivety Jon has ignored these suspicions and carried on with the assumption that they were both still faithful to each other.
Unfortunately Jon has been given more and more evidence to the contrary, still did not want to believe these stories and still did not allow himself to believe the fact that his ex may have been seeing other people, Ignorance really is bliss!
The problem with ignorance is that it had Jon trapped, he was trapped in the circumstance of not being able to move on, being the loyal soul he was. It also meant that because the circumstances were such where he couldn’t be with the girl he loved, that they could not be together. Adding into this the fact that Jon was presented with this other evidence of her being with other men, he was now being eaten up inside. This was literally eating at him like a tumour, and he simply did not have the bottle (sure he won’t mind me saying this) to ask her outright, I genuinely believe he didn’t want to know.
After several conversations, I was basically quite blunt (as we are as men) and told him my point of view.
A) you ask her, she isn’t with other men and you believe her, and maybe work towards building on the existing relationship. You’re both in the same boat and you plan a way to move back in the right direction together.
B) you ask her, she says she isn’t and you still don’t believe her……well now you have to question if the trust isn’t there, is it right to move on? if you cant trust her now what can you do, should you even still be with her. You need to consider whether or not you should just leave the question and act as though she has been, break it off and just keep things formal for his sons sake.
C) she is seeing other people, well now you know where you stand. you know what she has been upto and can respect her honesty! Yes you got the wrong end of the stick. Yes you may feel betrayed. Yes you may feel bitter. BUT!!!
and this is the key factor! She has essentially freed you! She has done for you what you couldn’t do yourself, you can now move on and you can start looking for someone else.
Pondering this, Jon did speak to her and following the advise found that unfortunately she has been seeing other men. He’s let me know honestly he is gutted in one respect what he considered to be the love of his life, has broken his trust (at least in his eyes). In the other respect he’s now able to enjoy moving forward with other relationships. He is now able to focus all this pent up energy into other areas in his life.
He is genuinely upset as in his words “while we weren’t exclusive, we were in my eyes on the same page”. For now he’s a mature guy, not looking for “revenge” or to “cause any trouble” he’s wished her well……”it was my choice to trust her, it was hers to let me down” is what he said.
The problem being with guys like us is that we have children with these people, and I have to commend his attitude. In times like this its all too easy to get into a “tit for tat” and go self destructive! Go out and get smashed, start a fight with a stranger, release some tension. Though he seems to have a good emotional balance and be determined not to allow this to affect his relationship with his son. This is really something to think about in similar circumstances, WHATEVER your ex’s do you HAVE to remain level headed, because if you don’t the only thing that will happen is going to be negative for you or the relationship with your child.
Causing trouble for your ex is going to 9/10 cause aggravation for the contact you have with your child. If you go out looking for trouble, then when you get caught and end up with a criminal record you’ll probably find that your exs will have to question your responsibility and right to see your kids.
while this doesn’t take the initial hurt away, you have to look at the positives of this outcome. Now really Jon this is for you:
-You still have access to your child and this is the main thing in your life.
-You can now begin to move on with your own relationships as you know where you stand.
-You don’t have to right off your friendship with your ex as while the relationship was confused, she has been honest to you for the most part when asked.
So as the title says “Ignorance is Bliss but Knowledge is Empowering”
if anyone has anything to say they feel will help Jon move forward with things then please feel free to message them to me, or leave them in the comments below.
To Jon, I’m sorry this was the outcome buddy but at least you know where you stand. Onwards and upwards mate, get out there and enjoy the new freedom you’ve found